The Purpose of Tools
Original Author Unknown
PLIERS: Used to round
off bolt heads.
employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used
to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing leather goods.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
HACKSAW: One of a
family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future
VISE-GRIPS: Used to
round off bolt heads and transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire.
Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating
that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the
last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall
upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering
it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans
rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in
about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for
removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for
calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times
harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A
stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground
straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH
SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car
battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining
that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
TROUBLE LIGHT: The
mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found
under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its
main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin
oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A
machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and
rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used
to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool
used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.